Ridicul-US. A wedding recap. By numbers.

With two of our very good friends getting married, G and I decided to make a weekend of it. I made all the calls, packed all the bags, and shipped the kids off. Where did we go for our getaway? Holland town, Wisconsin. So small town, I actually didn't have cell service. I honestly didn't know that still happened.

We decided to stay at a Hilton a little ways away from the wedding. I know what you are thinking, "way to go big spender, G!" You may chuckle. But it was perfect. Just me and big daddy. No kids. No diapers. No whining. No nonsense. Oh and. We got to have afternoon sex without the pitter patter of little feet asking for fruit snacks- ya baby!!!! Best $99.99 I have spent in a LONG time.

The wedding was a blast. G was on his A game. Mingling and making strangers laugh. I enjoyed drinking, singing, and dancing with my girlfriends from college. It was a great reunion of ridiculousness. Let me count it out for you.

5- The time we had to start the rehearsal dinner. Sharp. Jenn (the bride) reminded the wedding party 100 times.

3- the number of bridal party members who were in fact LATE for the rehearsal.

15- the number of minutes they were late. Way to go guys!!!!

3- the number of times we had to run through the rehearsal. Since no one was listening or behaving. You can't take us anywhere.

11- the time it was when I finally told G to take me back to the hotel room. In hopes of a repeat of the afternoon.

1130- the actual time my pretty little head hit the pillow. For the record. No repeat. Thanks G.

6- the time my alarm clock went off. And when I realized that I had fallen asleep in my contacts. Great. Red scratched eye and a hang over.

2- additional Spotted Cows (Wisconsin beer) I drank (and blame my hangover on) in order to steel a set of mugs for Amber. You're welcome. Biotch.

7- the time I realized that I didn't have to be awake. Impressed by me yet?

6- number of (ridiculous) bridesmaids.

1- hung over bridesmaid with a scratched cornea.

2- limit of bloodmary's Mel (bridesmaid) was allowed before the wedding. Per the Bride.

4- number she really had.

1- bottle of terrible champagne that Mel brought to share. I think Carrie (bridesmaid) said it best, "I would rather drink my own urine."

3- hours it took to wrangle up 6 bridesmaids and bride to make then over. Hiding hang overs and scratched eye balls.

5- phone calls Mel made home to her sick husband. Yelling at him to get his sick shit together.

1000- times Mel told us her husband was sick and not coming. Quote, "its not like he has lock jaw. Come on. It's a cough. He should be here!!!"

999- times Amber (bridesmaid) asked Mel where her husband was and why he wasn't coming to the wedding.

24- crazy idiots on a bus. Bar hoping in wedding attire.

2- best friends that anyone ever had. Garth met a man named Wayne. Amber's husband in fact. Yep. It happened. Garth and Wayne partied on. circa 1992 style.

1- comment that made me laugh the hardest.
Al (groom- after the priest scolded the wedding party): "geez, had I met this guy earlier I probably would have chosen to be Mormon instead."
That's funny.

1 million- inappropriate, sexual, offensive comments, jokes, or stories that were shared over the course of the weekend.

50- times we had to explain those inappropriate, sexual, offensive comments, jokes, or stories to Wayne.
***It must be all the testosterone and metabolism us girls have.

50- things Wayne said that he needed to explain to us. Again. Probably because of the testosterone and metabolism. Or maybe it is because of S and M.
***I meant it when I said that we were inappropriate.

30- farts the bride let loose. Funny thing, with this group, no one really cared.

1- beautiful, fun, exciting wedding. Joining 2 wonderful friends.

To Jenn and Al- We love you and are so glad that you included us in your special day. We had a blast. We wish you a lifetime of love, happiness, and laughter.
To Al- good luck with Jenn and her gas.
To Jenn- Beano is cheap. Give it a try.

$25- the cost of a scratched eye and a eye patch.

Great. I'm gonna take a Vicodin and pray to god that I don't end up with lock jaw like Mel's husband. I hope my tetanus booster is up to date. Do you think people will believe me if I tell them I survived a knife fight? I sure am getting tired of explaining the real story.

Party on.
-mama schuey