Insanity Day 9

I successfully survived week one of my INSANITY workout regime. I am even adapting to, dealing with, and conforming to the INSANE diet that comes with it. So, every morning my alarm clock goes off at 5 am, sometimes earlier. And my days are filled with protein shakes and high protein meals. I am officially an exhausted, insane, carnivore with aching muscles.

Despite getting control of my body, my diet, and my schedule each day, I seem to have lost control of everything else.

I have a research project due, papers to write, a house to pack and move, kids to raise, and a husband to satisfy. I am more tearful than I think I have ever been. I am tearful over stress, over fear, over frustration.

My tears are sporadic, and sometimes unwarranted. Sometimes they are even ridiculous. I know that I should be thankful. So much in my life is amazing. I am appreciative. I am aware of my good fortune. But, I still feel out of control.

Out of control being a parent, step-parent, mother, daughter, friend. I want to be everything to everyone. I want to make my parents proud. My husband happy. My kids great. Myself at peace.

Remember the movie Titanic? The one with Leo and Kate? You know, "I'm the king of the world!!!"
Well, there is a part in the movie when Rose (Kate) is sharing her feelings of being overwhelmed with Jack (Leo) when she says,

"All the while I feel like am I standing in a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs an no one even looks up and the inertia of my life plunging ahead and me powerless to stop it."

I can relate. Only I feel committed. Committed to that inertia.

I know there is no manual for life like there is for my workouts and my diet. But it would be nice if I could refer to a parental guide to help me cope with teenagers who don't do chores, talk back, and hurt my feelings. Or how to find the energy to romance my husband at night. Or how to read my parents minds- to see what they think, to see how they feel. Or how to calm my soul.


I may be insane. But, like I said- I am committed. I will never give up. I just hope that my family sticks with me. Holds my hand. Loves me. Because, I love them. They are my reason for breathing. For trying to be better.

Wish me luck. I have 51 more insane days ahead of me. And then a lifetime.
I would post before and after pictures. You know, of my transformation. But I have some dignity. And besides, how do you photograph an insane carnivore anyways?

Stay tuned,
-A

Thank you Facebook. For summing it all up in a picture.