I woke up today surprised to find my head still above water. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely treading water, but I haven't sunk yet. After breakfast, insane cardio yoga, lunch time, and nap time, it was time to review my research on the application of therapeutic hypothermia and its benefits in the treatment of anoxic brain injury. Interested? I didn't think you cared. Oh and, I had to make time for G and his needs, take a shower, run errands, and battle my own personal demons, feelings, and heartaches.
After a few hundred calls to and from my mom to talk, cry, yell, and cry some more, I found myself laying in my bed, wet, draped in a towel, hair dripping, and crying. Crying because I am scared. Scared of life. Scared of failure. Scared of honesty. Scared of being scared. All I wanted was G to lay next to me and hold me. But, the chaos of our life swept us away from each other. Me left in my bath towel, my feelings being held inside, and him grabbing a snack for Lucy and heading out the door for a jog.
In a foggy haze, consumed by frustration, I found myself staring at my bookshelf in the basement- a collection of some of my favorite things: books with pictures and love letters pressed between the pages. It was at that moment that I decided to take all of my vulnerability and apply it to something useful and productive. Kind of like my research involving therapeutic hypothermia. So, I decided to challenge myself, again, to something called the Love Dare.
The Love Dare is a beautiful sentiment. A re-commitment to love, communication, and a future of happiness. It is a 40 day devotional, daily affirmation, inspiration, and support guide through strenghening love in a marriage. So, while I was staring at pictures and love letters, I decided to make a commitment to my marriage. I am hoping that with a strong marriage, I can stop treading water. Even though I believe my marriage to be strong. Can it be stronger? Can you always strive to be better?
I believe that I am one of the luckiest women alive. My husband is patient. And he deals with me and all of my insanity (no pun intended). He is a wonderful companion. Father. And friend. I am the problem. I am inpatient. Insane. Quick to react. Quick to yell. Quick to throw things. And quick to shut down. And all of these qualities create fear that one day he will be sick of my shit and leave. And if he leaves, who will open the pickle jar for me? Or mow the lawn?
I need to be a better companion. A better, calmer, kinder, more effective communicator. I need to show him how much I appreciate him. I need to be better.
So. Here goes. The Love Dare. You with me? Lets take this journey together. Its going be 40 challenging, but fulfilling days, but I am hoping that in the end my life will be calmer. My marriage even stronger. And I will find peace.
Come on. I dare you.
Day 1
Love is Patient
Be completely humble and gentile; be patient, bearing with one another in love. -Ephesians 4:2
The Dare:
Our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose to say nothing at all. Its better to hold your tongue than to say something you will regret.
Okay friends. I wish you well. I wish you love.
-A
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