The Way To A Man's Heart

I remember when I was little, my Grandma (GeGe) used to remind me- never let a boy put his hand on your thigh. She would then place her hand on my thigh and look me right in the eyes. Scary. When I would see her after school, she would ask things like, "Did you let any boys carry your books for you?" I would smile, and shyly say, "No GeGe, no boys carried my books today." She would Windex my feet (don't ask, just be glad that I don't do this to my kids) and then help me with my homework.

You need to remember that I was raised Mormon. I never felt the stigma of this, until years later. You see, I was grew up in Northern California- the second largest Mormon populated area, second only to Utah. Happy Valley. I went to school with all of my church friends. Spent Wednesday nights at "mutual" and summers at girls camp. Girls camp was not ANYTHING like you perverts are imagining it. It was worse.

As I got older, the interrogations from my grandma became harsher, the questions more unnerving. She would ask me if I was kissing boys, or if I had read my scriptures for that day. Unfortunately, my answer for both questions was, "No." She was both happy and disappointed at the same time. She would ask me if I needed a snack and I would nod. She would then continue to tell me that the only way to a man's heart was his stomach. I believed her. As I look back now, I think this was her way of telling me to never have sex, at least premarital sex anyways.

My whole childhood I struggled with this- everyone I knew who wasn't Mormon was talking about boys, make up, kissing, humping, and sex. When I went to church, we were taught in our Young Women classes, that sex was a holy sacrament between married men and women- for the purposes of producing children. As evidenced by: The Proclamation To The World. Forever I thought, and believed that sex was this scary thing that old married people did to make babies, only.

That all changed. I became an inactive member of the church when my family and I moved to Wisconsin. You see, the church is strong in California, strong in numbers. Out here in the Midwest, I was a member of a cult- and drinking beer, and having sex was way more fun. I learned to have my own voice, my own beliefs, I also learned how to make out with boys and dry hump (enter slippery couch in my parent's basement). You could call this the Evolution of a Mormon Slut? I also learned that the way to a man's heart is NOT his stomach. I mean no offense to anyone. This is where I make my point.

My little sister, Jillian, is still a strong and active member of the LDS church. She lives in Utah and attends BYU. I am very proud of my sister. Not for continuing with her faith, but for her strength in her beliefs. I admire her. She has always been able to say, and live by, "Whatever, this is me. Don't hate me cause you ain't me."

As my little sister prepares to celebrate her 23rd birthday, with her very first real (and Mormon) boyfriend, I found myself sharing a little bit of my relationship wisdom with her. I am no relationship guru, I have no idea how to make a Mormon relationship grow, hell- I don't even know how to group date and sit a Book of Mormon distance apart. I prefer to make out and/or dry hump like the rest of the world. But, I admire my sis. She has decided to save herself for marriage.

Anyways, based on a conversation that Jillian and I had a few days ago, I went through my house to find things that would cheer her up on her bday, but also respect her beliefs about sex. I love to give and get gifts that make me laugh. I turned my bedroom and bathroom upside down, in search of condoms. I knew that Jillian wouldn't need them, but due to curiosity, I wanted her to be prepared. The thing was, the only ones I found were expired. YES, Jillian they can expire. Always check. So, I moved on. I found a few other things that could help with her birthday weekend, but also encourage her to stay true to who she is and what she believes.

So, short story made long with nonsense, I wanted to wish my little sister a very happy birthday. Enjoy yourself, but not too much. Remember, Jesus is watching- Hand Check! Just kidding. I love you. I hope you and Darin have a good weekend. Stay safe.

Oh, and when you are ready, little sis, I will be here to tell you the real way to a man's heart. Sister to sister.